Ask Dr. Pam I was not his Mother's first choice
Dear Dr. Pam,
I have been married for a little over a year. Our relationship prior to marriage was easy but since we got married we are constantly arguing.
These arguments are always about the same thing HIS MOTHER and SIBLINGS.
I have accepted the fact that I was not his mother's choice, but because of my love for my husband, I got over the harsh words she has said to me and tried to make things work.
We could call or text and I thought that finally she had accepted her son's decision. However, I was wrong.
The day of the wedding, this lady made it known by her actions that she disapproved of all of my wedding photos and video shows.
Despite all of this I still tried by having a get together and this lady still displayed an indifference towards my parents.
I understood that this was a tough time having lost her son to marriage to someone she did not like.
Even knowing that, I still tried to reach out to her by sending her a text.
She took the text the wrong way and assumed it was an insult (What's up Miss. W I can't hear from you. Did Dog eat your lunch or cat drink your milk? lol).
I was simply asking her if she had cut me off. I apologized and still she ignored that, so I just moved on.
Three weeks after the wedding, she decided to invite my husband's ex girlfriend (who is her approved choice); over to spend the day with her, knowing fully well my husband was waiting on his transfer and was still living at home with her.
I found out about it and yes I said things to her which anyone would say if they were faced with that.
Dr. Pam, these last few weeks we have been at each others' throats every day because of what his mother or siblings do or say.
I know I do love him I just cannot continue living this life of utter confusion and turmoil by the hands of his family.
I want to bring an end to this bad situation, by any means.
I would like a sit down with all parties. Is this a good decision or should I wait until she is ready to sit down and talk with me like an adult rather than doing it thru her other children?
It is clear that you and your in laws do not have the greatest affinity for each other.
What is commendable, however, is the way that you have attempted to extend the olive branch, even though it did not work.
One major concern is the effect that this is having on your marriage.
Although marriage is an institution between two persons, we all know that in some ways you are joined to the entire family.
It appears that your husband may feel torn between you and his family and this may be causing him undue stress that might be displaced.
Find an appropriate time to speak with your husband. Let him know how much distress this ordeal is causing you.
Assure him of your commitment to the marriage and your desire to have a better relationship with his family.
Ask him to speak with his family and arrange a time when you can all meet and talk through your differences.
Once you make this request of him, leave the situation alone.
If the issues continue to persist, your husband could involve a third neutral party (pastor, counselor), to render some assistance.
Keeping the lines of communication opened is crucial during these times.
In the interim, continue to talk with your spouse, strengthening your relationship and rebuilding trust.
After all, you may not have been his mother's choice, but you were his.
Remain cordial with your in laws showering them with kindness and keeping them in your prayers.
POINT TO PONDER: Be married to your husband, have a friendship with his family.
Your letters and comments are encouraged. You may email your letters or comments to email@example.com, or write to Askdoctorpam P.O. Box F43736. (602-9550) Dr. Pam is a Clinical Psychologist trained in all areas of mental health.
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